How I Overcome a Decade-Long Crush

 I think having the crush experience is a beautiful thing. At least, it connotes that you are human and you have feelings. It's just that there is a distinction when it comes to what you do with the feeling. Do you keep it or you make your confession?

K. Fraser.

I was very young, a teenager when I discovered that I had a crush. Actually I had series of crushes that hailed from my admiration of the opposite sex. It sparks from how nice the person is, how intelligent and mostly how good looking. So, bear with me, this is purely my younger self speaking.

I had a crush on a particular guy while I was in highschool but the feeling faded when I learnt about his low hygiene level even though I wasn't better off myself. I had a crush on another guy, much more older than me, he was in the university. He came to my school for talks I guess. I can't say I fell in love with his eyes but I'll say I admired his eyes. Oh my! They were a shade of chocolate brown and it gave this golden beam of warmth when the evening sun uses his face as a backdrop. That image stayed in my mind for a long time.

I was so innocent, and naive. I didn't know much. I just knew that I had to keep myself. Funny because, I proposed in my mind like Daniel did—I wanted to be sexually pure but at that time, just imagining dreaming about his eyes—if the guy had made advances on me, I don't know if I would've the gut to say No. Maybe I would say no, if my brain will for a second bring me back to reality but people, I thank God he didn't make any advances on me.

Looking back now, If he had, saying Yes, wouldn’t have been worth it. So, fast forward to some childhood friendship that escalated to crushes, I had one. I think the fact that it lasted so long was because the feelings were pure, it happened unknowingly. I literally grew into it because we grew together. He will always ask about me, I will him. His qualities ticked all the checks, he was just too perfect and a tiny gut in me however was somehow uneasy that I just couldn't find any flaw. Whereas, I wasn't looking. Meanwhile my friends noticed and even assumed that there was something going on with us but…I wish.

Oh, I almost forgot, there was these senior in school then who I also had the crush on, you know the low hygiene guy I wrote about earlier—well before I discovered his hygiene secret. I got crush sick on him. He was a fine guy, I couldn't walk up to him and tell him my feelings, It wasn't because I was a afraid I just knew I wasn't ready for a relationship despite the fact that I had some free time with him while away on school competitions. But I get this freakish jealous feeling whenever I see him getting friendly to other females. I think I got it so bad for him that I got sick loosing a load of school work in the beginning of a senior school year and it affected my grade. And I hate the effect.

That experience made me realize that I was emotionally unstable, so I made a principle that I won't allow any boyfriend relationship until I graduated from the university because I don't want the same effect on my mental state. It helped, and I succeeded. Now, I'm more matured and very sane. Although a year before I entered university, I got saved. Like literally got born again, I accepted Jesus into my life as my Savior. This decision also strengthened my personal principles and conviction.

So, back to the decade crush. My feelings unknowingly blossomed overtime. I welcomed the feelings, I took joy in it but I also knew having a relationship was out of the question because I was still studying. Meanwhile, I was also praying about him. I wanted to know if he is the one for me or not. And it was revealed to me, he wasn't. I was even shown his wife-to-be but my feelings ran deeper than the reveal.

So when, I graduated from the Uni I met some amazing friends. One of them, my Chinese Friend advised me to talk to this crush and disclose my feelings. So, that I could get over him and maybe move on. Instead of a physical appearance, I decided to call because of the long distance. Revealing to him a snippet of the feeling I thought I had for him, and he rejected my confession but instead proposed a no string attached friendship.

I was hurt but I was relieved also. It took a while before I could stand in his presence unshaken from the thumping in my chest and the butterflies. Thinking about it now, I can't help but laugh at myself. Mehn! I've grown. Life is indeed a teacher.

Still it wasn't easy. I think they were countless times I prayed asking God to help take the feelings away. I was hurting, I avoided him and anything that reminded me about him. It took a while for me to remember that dream/vision I had about his spouse, so, I began to ask God for help in taking the feelings I had for him away. After, I think 3 years, I finally didn't have that feeling, when I see him I don't feel anything, not the way I used too and there was no hate. I saw him as just a guy, a friend and I really saw through him which was mind-blowing if you know me. I began to see his flaws. I realized he wasn't perfect, no one was, no one can.

In those 3 years, I shaved my hair because I was set on the path to rediscover myself. I invested in my self, drew closer to God, drew back in my relation to the Crush. In those years, I also discovered a lot about myself I didn't know I had some preferences and hidden talents that actually make sense. I realized that having a crush on someone is a wonderful feeling, for some it turns out well for them but for others it's the exact opposite. However, it prepares you for what lies ahead.

During the course of this experience, I realized that I was also a potential Crush for some guys to crush on too and that's life.

I think I wouldn't have been a better person if I haven't had these crushes. Meanwhile, let's treat our Crushes’ confession with care, tell them with love, and make them see reasons why you can't be an item.